Holidays can bring people together, but they can also bring uncomfortable conversations about food and bodies.
The holiday season can create opportunities for togetherness, celebration, and memory-making, but it can also be a complicated time of year for many. Holiday gatherings often center around food and involve reconnecting with relatives that might not be around for most of the year. For someone experiencing an eating disorder or disordered eating, this can be fertile ground for challenging conversations about food and bodies.
Well-meaning or offhanded comments that seem harmless to a family member can be deeply triggering for someone who is struggling with food or body image. Specialized support from an eating disorder nutritionist can help you to prepare for, respond to, and cope with food and body comments so that you can focus on enjoying the holidays.
Why Family Comments About Food and Bodies Can Be So Difficult
“You look so healthy!”— it may seem harmless at first read, but the subtext can hit like a ton of bricks for someone struggling with an eating disorder. The well-meaning family member making the comment is oblivious to the fact that the eating disorder has already jumped to conclusions about what the comment really means: “have I gained too much weight?” “Did I eat too much?” “Is everybody noticing my body changes?”
Comments about portions or what someone is eating can have the same effect. Whether the comment is self-deprecating or directed at someone else, the impact remains the same. For someone who is just trying to get through the meal, any added attention can be overwhelming. Pressuring someone to eat or to restrict is another way to bring the focus back to the food in a potentially harmful way. This can sound like “you have to try this” or “are you sure you want seconds?”
New Year’s resolutions, diet talk, and comments about weight or appearance are also hot topics around the holiday season. For someone recovering from an eating disorder, even hearing about others’ aspirations to change their bodies or begin manipulating food can make them feel like they should do the same.
It’s important to remember that intent does not negate impact when discussing food and body around someone who is struggling. In fact, it is often the most complimentary or well-intentioned comments that can backfire the most. Eating disorders are tricky, and it is not the sufferer’s fault that certain comments end up being harmful. Partnering with an eating disorder nutritionist can help you to feel less alone when facing food and body comments.
Common Holiday Food Comments That Can Trigger Disordered Eating
- “Are you really going to eat all that?”
For someone who is having a hard time eating as it is, a comment like this just adds fuel to the fire. An eating disorder nutritionist can help you to feel confident in your portioning and food choices regardless of others’ opinions.
- “You have to try this, you’ve been so good!”
Using words like “good” or “bad” to describe food or ways of eating assigns moral value where it does not need to be. Food is complex and nutrition needs are highly individualized – what is right for one person at the moment may not be right for another.
- “I’m going to be bad today.”
Again, to be “bad” implies that there is moral value associated with eating or not eating a certain way. Even self-directed comments can be harmful. Food is already charged with meaning for someone with an eating disorder – there is no need to make it harder.
- “We need to work this off tomorrow.”
Eating disorders often involve compensatory behaviors, and compulsive exercise can be one of them. Comments like this reinforce the myth that food must be earned.
- “You look thinner!”
The eating disorder brain is primed to latch onto body comments and use them as motivation to continue using behaviors. If someone in the throes of an eating disorder is complimented on their weight loss, they might take that as evidence that they must do whatever it takes to remain at that weight, despite the risk of great physical and psychological harm.
How to Set Boundaries Around Food and Body Talk
You may not be able to control what your family members do or say, but you can control how you respond and determine what support you need.
- Changing the subject: Not every comment needs to be confronted head-on. Sometimes a simple redirection does the trick. When food and body comments arise, disengage and ask Nana how her gardening is going this year or quiz cousin Johnny about what he’s been learning in school instead.
- Letting loved ones know certain topics aren’t helpful: Your loved ones may want to do all they can to support you in recovery, but they don’t always know how harmful their well-intentioned comments can be. Help them help you – explain to them why their impact is not matching their intention.
- Having an exit strategy: In moments of overwhelm, it’s more than okay to take a break. Identify your exit options as early as possible. Step outside, take some deep breaths in the bathroom, or busy yourself with the pets or children at the gathering. Your nervous system can only take so much.
- Bringing a supportive person into the conversation: It is a lot to ask yourself to try to navigate the holidays by yourself when you are struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating. Identify a safe person beforehand and talk to them about how best to support you. Asking for help can be hard, but going at it alone is harder.
- Giving yourself permission not to explain your recovery: Your relationship with food is yours, not anybody else’s. You are not obligated to explain yourself, even to your relatives. “I don’t want to talk about that right now,” is a complete sentence that needs no further explanation.
How you respond to unsolicited comments from family members depends on many factors – your personality, your readiness, your family dynamics, and your place in recovery, to name a few. Talking through scenarios with your eating disorder nutritionist can help you develop a better understanding of where you land along that spectrum.
How an Eating Disorder Nutritionist Can Support You Through the Holidays
You don’t have to do it alone. An eating disorder nutritionist can help you prepare for, move through, and grow from food and body challenges over the holidays.
Working with an eating disorder dietitian before going into the holiday season can help you to lay nutritional groundwork to equip you for triggering situations. A dietitian can offer a layer of accountability so that you are able to maintain adequate nourishment throughout the season. Even with ample preparation, triggers will still occur; this is where a dietitian-nutritionist who specializes in eating disorder treatment can help you to build an individualized arsenal of coping strategies to help you stay regulated as you navigate your family dynamics.
Food freedom can feel foreign when you’ve struggled with an eating disorder or disordered eating. Your eating disorder nutritionist can help you to practice flexible eating so that you’re ready for whatever food challenges the holidays might bring. When challenges arise, your dietitian is there to support you in working through food fears and guilt by offering validation, nutrition education, and individualized guidance. Your nutritionist will also coordinate with your interdisciplinary treatment team to optimize and broaden your care.
When Holiday Stress Becomes a Sign You Need More Support
Consider reaching out to an eating disorder nutritionist if you notice any of the following during the holidays:
- Increased restriction
- Avoiding family meals
- Increased anxiety around food
- Compensatory behaviors
- Feeling consumed by food/body thoughts
- You don’t have to navigate difficult family dynamics alone.
- Encourage readers to seek specialized support before or during the holiday season.
An eating disorder dietitian is there to support you whether or not you feel “sick enough” to seek help. The holidays are complicated enough – they don’t have to be made even more stressful by food and body concerns.